Mickey Hung

Last night, I was chatting with a group of young people. Some were couples, some had recently broken up, and some were planning a wedding for next year. I’ve known them for a long time; they view me as a sort of “Dad” figure and feel comfortable sharing all their worries. Playfully, I asked them: “Do you truly love your boyfriends?”

I expected a simple “Yes.” To my surprise, most of the girls told me they only liked their boyfriends; they didn’t really love them. I was stunned and asked them to explain the difference between “liking” and “loving.” One of the girls said, “In bed, it’s love; out of bed, it’s liking.” That left me even more perplexed. If you don’t love a person, why would you invite the serious karma of being with them intimately?

I spent a long time thinking about this question and finally found my answer. Love isn’t just an act in bed; it’s a lifelong responsibility!

Love is a total commitment. Perhaps we misunderstand commitment as possession: the more you love someone, the more you want to be with them. Love is an intense longing; you think of him every single minute of every day. When you’re out shopping, you instinctively pick up something for him. Love is something you cannot bear to lose. If you lose contact with him, you’d be heartbroken and devastated, feeling like an empty shell. In your eyes, that is what love is.

In certain traditional texts, the word for love is sometimes interpreted as “karma” (‘nie’ or ‘孽’ in Chinese)—an inescapable entanglement of grudges, affections, and sorrows, involving greed, anger, and ignorance, and even mistakes born of “fundamental delusion” (‘wuming’ or ‘无明’).

Liking is a smaller form of love, a kind of appreciation. You notice his every move and care about how he feels about you. You think of him often and wonder if he could become your partner. If you lose him, you feel a sense of emptiness and a faint, subtle ache. Liking someone is very common; I myself like and appreciate many people and feel a sense of closeness to them. But that kind of emotion won’t cause you significant harm.

Affinity (‘haogan’ or ‘好感’) is the lowest entry requirement for a relationship. It essentially means that your energies (‘Wuxing’ or Five Elements) must be mutually constructive—wood gives life to water, water to wood, wood to fire, fire to earth, and earth to metal. If the elements clash, that initial affinity simply won’t appear.

Some say that as long as the elements don’t clash, we can feel an affinity. With affinity, I can then come to like you. But as for love? Who dares to utter that word so easily? And even if someone does say, “I love you,” would you truly believe it’s real?

不敢去爱

昨晚和一班年青人聊天，他们有的是情侣，有的是分手了，有的计划明年结婚。和她们认识很长一段日子，她们把我看成是一位“老爸”，甚么心事也会说出来，我顽皮地问她们：妳们很爱妳的男友吗？

我以为她们会回答“是”，很奇怪，大部份女生竟然告诉我，她们只是喜欢，不是很爱。我愣了下来，问她们“喜欢”和“爱”有什么分别？其中一个女生说，在床上，爱；在床下，喜欢。我更是莫名其妙了，如果不是爱一个人，又为何跟他在床上留下恶因？

我把这个问题想了很久，终于想通了。爱，不是一个床上动作，而是一辈子的责任！爱是一种全心奉献，也许把奉献理解为占有，你愈爱一个人，就愈想跟他在一起；爱是一种思念，你会每一分每一刻都想起他，当你外出购物时，你会买一点生活用品给他；爱不能失去，当你失去他的信息，你会伤心得肝肠寸断、痛彻心脾；整个人就像只剩下一个躯壳。在你眼中，这就是爱。

在三世书中，爱，这个字被理解成“孽”，是分不开，放不下的恩怨情仇，当中包括贪瞋痴，更包括“无明”失误。

喜欢是少少的爱，也是一种欣赏，你会留意他的一举一动，在乎他对你的感觉。很多时候都会想起他，会想到他能否成为你的情人。若失去他，会感到幻得幻失，有隐隐作痛的感觉。喜欢一个人是很常见的，笔者也喜欢很多人，欣赏很多人，对很多人亦有可亲可近的感范，但这种情感，不会对你造成太大的伤害。

好感是人跟人交往最低的入门要求，亦即是说五行必须相生，木生水，水生木，木生火，火生土，土生金，如果五行有相克，好感就不会出现。

有人说，只要五行不相克，我们就有好感，有了好感，我才喜欢你，至于你，谁敢轻易说出来，即使说了出来，你又相信“我爱你”是真的吗？